Hairdresser needed. STAT.

I'm having a hard time with hairdressers.  Not that they aren't capable of doing their job - most of the time they manage to do something  with this bush o' hair.
The real problem is skinny and blonde.  The last three hairdressers - skinny, blonde, adorable little hipsters.  Picture Mary Kate and Ashley behind the chair.

                             

It's not what you think.  I'm not a hater.  For realz.
Good for them, being all skinny and good with fashion and makeup and white teeth and jutting collarbones. Good for them.
Here's the prob:
Things start to get real when the gown thing goes on (you know, that black plastic-y mumu that's all tight around the collar and suddenly your body is trapped in a sauna and you just KNOW you're coming out of there with some pit stains.  That gown thing.)

So, you're there, in the gown, and all you really see in the mirror is your head sticking out.  That, and your cute hipster hairdresser's head.  Cue the self-loathing.

WHY does my head have to be 10 times larger than the hairdressers?

I can't even.
It's all I see the whole time - my giant noggin and her tiny-yet-perfectly-proportioned head.  I can't stop looking.  I can't help it.  The comparison.  The size difference.  Its the worst.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????

This is America.  We are the land of the fatties.  SO, why aren't any of them cutting my hair?  I need to find someone giant, especially in the head region, if I want to feel good about myself again.  If you have any suggestions, lemme know.
I'm serious.